Is it worth it?

When I went out for errands yesterday, it was nice to feel that once again I belong. Before I found a job, it seemed like I was saying goodbye along the many streets I walk on. There was afterall the possibility that it might have been the last time for me to be in the area since I would have to leave the U.S. if I did not find a job. It is nostalgic, but it is the truth. But since I've accepted a job offer, my emotions have now changed and feelings of being part of New York City are once alive! I am here because I belong here. I am here because I have a purpose here.

But then I received a voicemail from my mom, my dog got out of our house and almost got lost. Our neighbor found the dog and returned her to us. My dog doesn't wear a collar, she has no tag; and even if she did, what if someone else found her and decided to keep her? My dog is one of the friendliest dog ever. She doesn't snarl at anyone, not even kooky strangers. She lets everyone pet her. Once when a cousin and his family were visiting us, I found their small boy poking the eye of my dog, she was not even complaining! I wanted to blast that kid out of our house, but not before illustrating how painful eye poking is, by poking his; then lecture him that he should not be poking anyone's eyes. (Ooops!)

So I couldn't sleep all night and got to thinking...is it worth it? Is it worth being away from my family, friends and pets just so I could work in the U.S. I think that I might always have known that "making it" in the U.S. is a challenge for me. I had been lucky to find two jobs, and now a third job, aren't those enough? Is it not enough to know that I could find a job here and work my way up, if I wanted to? Is giving up so much for a chance to fulfill my dreams worth it? Honestly, I do not know. The guilty feelings of going away and not being with family, have been resurrected now that I have found a job. Before finding a job, I had feelings of not being good enough, but then I was happy that I would be going home to family and friends. My feelings of defeat were assuaged by the fact that I would be going home; my feelings of success are ridden with guilt and aloneness.

If only I could bring them all here to live with me. But then, that would be imposing my dreams on them. Besides, it is hard enough to acquire and maintain lawful immigration status for myself, it'll be maddening to get everyone lawful status forever. Perhaps next year, when all is well, I could get one of my dogs to live with me. It certainly is something to consider and look forward to. When that time comes, I would have to move because my apartment does not allow dogs (cats are ok!) (I was so bothered that my dog may have gotten lost that even before 8.30a.m., I've actually already called the apartment across my building and left a message inquiring if pets are allowed in their building. I do not recall seeing anyone with pets there, but may be the people I've seen coming in and out just don't have pets. I'll try to call the building behind ours to ask about their rates and pet policy. My lease is good until mid-2012, but I can begin dreaming now. I know pet ownership is a lot of responsibility and cost, but it is also a lot of joy!)